Pressing On

Today was literally a roller coaster of emotions. It started off really great, I went out and had a really nice time with a guy. I suppose it was a date of sorts, and I couldn't even tell you the last time I actually went out on a date. Either way it was nice to feel that way again and I'm excited to see where it goes, if anything it looks like I'll get a really kick ass friendship out of it.

It was also father's day today which meant spending the day attempting to tolerate all of my Dad's little annoying qualities. This summer, so far, as been a test to the ongoing struggle I have with keeping my mouth shut and letting my Dad's painfully crude character roll off my shoulders. Sounds harsh, but it's just one of those things that I have a tough time with. Moving back home has not been easy. It's not so much the party life style I miss, because I honestly don't have the time or much of the will for it, but mostly the freedom of not having to account for myself at every moment of the day. It's frustrating and I'm hoping it's just a transition phase.

But back to father's day. We went to my Opa's grave today. There is something overwhelmingly powerful about seeing your grandfather's birth and death dates on a tombstone. It sucked. Today was the first day I let myself really feel the finality of my Opa's death. I still haven't let it all in yet, but today was the first inch closer to allowing myself to accept it. We went to my Oma's after having dinner and I thought I had pretty well collected myself, but I guess I was wrong. When the whole family was outside looking at the pond, I slowly crept inside and curled into my Opa's chair. I just sat there for a minute, wrapped around myself, and let my fingers play with the fabric of the quilt that is draped over the arm of the chair. I closed my eyes...and cried. My Opa used to play with the quilt too and the chair kind of still smells like him. As I lay there, as absorbed in the chair as possible, I felt exactly as I did the moment I found out he had passed away. I let the feeling wash over me, as I have before, but this time I let myself feel it just a little bit longer. I hope eventually I'll be able to fully feel it. We'll see.

The days are getting longer it seems but the weeks are getting shorter. Summer is here and life presses on as usual. Just like anything else, time goes forward.