Go on

Tonight I realized I'm not over my Opa's death. Yep, starting off heavy with this one.

Anyways, I was at my great uncle's funeral and I saw the family in a semi-circle around the casket all upset and I couldn't help but be shoved back a month ago when me and my family were doing the exact same thing. My very next thought was to replay everything I had done since my Opa passed away, mostly everything I had done today...before this funeral. Let me back up. When my Opa passed away I couldn't help but be ticked off at every random stranger for not understanding that my grandfather just died. I kept looking around at everyone living their lives and all I could think was, "Do you people not know what has happened to me? Have you no heart? My grandfather just died! How are you living your lives!" I expected every one's world to end, shift, change somehow, just as mine did.

So there I was, looking at the family and thinking about how it was only a few weeks ago I was looking at my Opa in the hospital, knowing it was a matter of hours until he passed away, and seriously considering how I would ever be able to function normally again. I suppose in some aspects, I ran away to school. It was a safe haven for me, and dealing with the loss of my Opa only came to me on weekends when I came home. And then just as the pang of loss would almost drown me, I would neatly tuck it away for when I could return to it. But, I never let it sink it. The dust never settled.

I miss my Opa. I think about him so much, all the time. I want to see him, to talk to him, to look at him as he smiles widely when I tell a story about school or my love life. I miss everything. I can only imagine how my Oma feels, this life of loss and loneliness is her reality. When the rest of us go on and go about our lives, her life is left forever shattered.

I'm not as tough as I'd like to be. Sometimes I'll be sitting with friends, or in a lecture, or cleaning my room, or watching television and I'll get totally overcome by a feeling of longing for him. I don't tell anyone this. Instead, I let it wash over me, and store is somewhere else. I'm sure at some point, I'll have to face the fact that I have many many many years to go forward without my Opa. And eventually, I'll have to accept that he's not here. I think I'll just slowly start to let myself fully grieve and learn how to deal with it. Throughout that, I want to make my Opa proud and go on remembering him as much as I can. He was such a good, wonderful person. And I miss him terribly, but I'll be alright eventually. Slowly you do start to find happiness again, you laugh, you smile, you remember, and eventually the pieces of your life come back together and you find the strength to go on.