Breathing

Busy busy busy! I did say that this summer would be eventful and so far it has been. Life has been a whirlwind of things and for once I'm just rollin' with the wave. Excuse the metaphor but for the first time I feel like rather than body surfing, I actually have a surf board this time. I'm more prepared for challenge, love, and laughter than I ever have been before. I feel fully equipped to tackle life right now. Change is in the air and I'm taking deep breaths.

Leap of Faith

"I am coming to terms with the fact that loving someone requires a leap of faith , and that a soft landing is never guaranteed."

I read that quote today in the book by Sarah Dessen, one of my favorite authors. She has a way of putting things so elegantly simple it almost feels as if you yourself couldn't have written it any better. A leap of faith comes in many forms, whether it's romance or work, and you never know how you'll land or if there will be someone waiting to catch you. Sometimes, you just have to take a step back and lunge yourself forward into a situation. You may have been hurt, you may have doubts, but you'll never know what's around the next corner if you stop trying.

Brother

My brother is the coolest. Alright, so he's usually a pain in the ass and he gets on my nerves a lot, but he's one of the best big brothers a girl could have. I came home tonight from work, pissed as ever, and then I realized my brother was over. Yes, I have to admit I was still a little heated about work, but slowly I relaxed because Kyle has a way of reminding me to be goofy. We haven't always had the best relationship and we often get frustrated with each other. I honestly think it's because we are so similar. Just the other night he was being overly protective and I convinced myself I'd stay mad at him until the apology, which would never come, was said. I saw him the next morning and I couldn't help myself, I wasn't able to stay mad. He has a way of keeping me on my toes, understanding qualities that are often misinterpreted, and appreciating my sense of humor and often sarcastic demeanor. I miss having him around the house. I really do. As much as we used to bicker when he was here, that's as much of a support system we were for each other. Through it all, Kyle and I were there for each other, no matter what. I know we always will be too. I look back at my high school years and it was Kyle, not my father who would wait up for me to come home. It was Kyle who I'd talk to about a boy (not as a girl would gossip, but in asking for advice and seeking approval). Kyle was the one who I would joke around with and stay up late watching movies with. It's hard for me, not having him around as much. I guess when I'm at school I don't really notice. I know he's happy living where he is now, but I do wish him and I had more alone time. It's hard to come by now, but I suppose that's a part of growing up. When he does come around though, I absorb every minute and appreciate it, whether he knows it or not!

Pressing On

Today was literally a roller coaster of emotions. It started off really great, I went out and had a really nice time with a guy. I suppose it was a date of sorts, and I couldn't even tell you the last time I actually went out on a date. Either way it was nice to feel that way again and I'm excited to see where it goes, if anything it looks like I'll get a really kick ass friendship out of it.

It was also father's day today which meant spending the day attempting to tolerate all of my Dad's little annoying qualities. This summer, so far, as been a test to the ongoing struggle I have with keeping my mouth shut and letting my Dad's painfully crude character roll off my shoulders. Sounds harsh, but it's just one of those things that I have a tough time with. Moving back home has not been easy. It's not so much the party life style I miss, because I honestly don't have the time or much of the will for it, but mostly the freedom of not having to account for myself at every moment of the day. It's frustrating and I'm hoping it's just a transition phase.

But back to father's day. We went to my Opa's grave today. There is something overwhelmingly powerful about seeing your grandfather's birth and death dates on a tombstone. It sucked. Today was the first day I let myself really feel the finality of my Opa's death. I still haven't let it all in yet, but today was the first inch closer to allowing myself to accept it. We went to my Oma's after having dinner and I thought I had pretty well collected myself, but I guess I was wrong. When the whole family was outside looking at the pond, I slowly crept inside and curled into my Opa's chair. I just sat there for a minute, wrapped around myself, and let my fingers play with the fabric of the quilt that is draped over the arm of the chair. I closed my eyes...and cried. My Opa used to play with the quilt too and the chair kind of still smells like him. As I lay there, as absorbed in the chair as possible, I felt exactly as I did the moment I found out he had passed away. I let the feeling wash over me, as I have before, but this time I let myself feel it just a little bit longer. I hope eventually I'll be able to fully feel it. We'll see.

The days are getting longer it seems but the weeks are getting shorter. Summer is here and life presses on as usual. Just like anything else, time goes forward.

Let Go

Letting go of someone is actually really easy. Practically anyone can write off someone else. It's a simple and swift move. But letting go of the idea of someone, well that's an entirely different beast. It's usually the lingering memory or the concept of the person that we so tightly hold onto. Rarely do we long for a person as a body, but more of the emotions and memories the person ignites in us. Letting go of an idea is hard.

When do you realize the moment you are ready? I mean, when do you finally see that this person no longer fits into your life, that the place that was once designated for them so specifically, is now void? How do you describe someone as what they were to you, rather than what they are? It's these kinds of things that bounce around in my head anytime I make a move in my love life. I could probably pinpoint the moment I start thinking these and the moment I actually put them into action. Every woman has a different tactic. Some use anger as motivation, some use distance, some use hopelessness, some use people. It changes with each situation.

My situation calls for a change. It's very simple actually; this is just not working anymore. The moment you realize that a situation can not work no matter what direction you take, then that when you find pick a move: out.

I'm not sure if I believe in fate, or if everything happens for a reason, or if we have the choice to change our actions. I just think that right now, I'm letting go of what isn't working, and that's all that I really can do: hold onto what is helping me. I know that at this point in my life, if I'm going to make a decision, I should stick to it...no matter how wonderful a memory I'm leaving behind. Holding onto the ghost of a person isn't ideal. And you can't capture a ghost. I'm slowly creeping into the waters of the unknown, leaving a comfortable concept, and cutting loose what I don't need. I might be a little shaky of what I'm doing, but I'll stick to it. If I can do that, I'll think I'll be fine.

Go on

Tonight I realized I'm not over my Opa's death. Yep, starting off heavy with this one.

Anyways, I was at my great uncle's funeral and I saw the family in a semi-circle around the casket all upset and I couldn't help but be shoved back a month ago when me and my family were doing the exact same thing. My very next thought was to replay everything I had done since my Opa passed away, mostly everything I had done today...before this funeral. Let me back up. When my Opa passed away I couldn't help but be ticked off at every random stranger for not understanding that my grandfather just died. I kept looking around at everyone living their lives and all I could think was, "Do you people not know what has happened to me? Have you no heart? My grandfather just died! How are you living your lives!" I expected every one's world to end, shift, change somehow, just as mine did.

So there I was, looking at the family and thinking about how it was only a few weeks ago I was looking at my Opa in the hospital, knowing it was a matter of hours until he passed away, and seriously considering how I would ever be able to function normally again. I suppose in some aspects, I ran away to school. It was a safe haven for me, and dealing with the loss of my Opa only came to me on weekends when I came home. And then just as the pang of loss would almost drown me, I would neatly tuck it away for when I could return to it. But, I never let it sink it. The dust never settled.

I miss my Opa. I think about him so much, all the time. I want to see him, to talk to him, to look at him as he smiles widely when I tell a story about school or my love life. I miss everything. I can only imagine how my Oma feels, this life of loss and loneliness is her reality. When the rest of us go on and go about our lives, her life is left forever shattered.

I'm not as tough as I'd like to be. Sometimes I'll be sitting with friends, or in a lecture, or cleaning my room, or watching television and I'll get totally overcome by a feeling of longing for him. I don't tell anyone this. Instead, I let it wash over me, and store is somewhere else. I'm sure at some point, I'll have to face the fact that I have many many many years to go forward without my Opa. And eventually, I'll have to accept that he's not here. I think I'll just slowly start to let myself fully grieve and learn how to deal with it. Throughout that, I want to make my Opa proud and go on remembering him as much as I can. He was such a good, wonderful person. And I miss him terribly, but I'll be alright eventually. Slowly you do start to find happiness again, you laugh, you smile, you remember, and eventually the pieces of your life come back together and you find the strength to go on.

Another day, another dollar

I can feel summer setting in. I know, it's a little early to say I've felt the full effects of summer and I'm by no means saying I have...I can just feel it starting to take hold. Tonight was my first night back at work and the quick and slow pace of it all makes me remember how different I am from last summer. I've grown as a person and I can tell when I go back to familiar places, people, and tasks: like my job. I'm really proud of the person I am, even though I make mistakes. There's a new girl at work and she went to college to become a therapist. When I found this out, I immediately wanted to talk to her more. That's probably not normal, but I told her anyways and she said, "Well what do you need advice on?" I honestly and truly couldn't think of anything I wanted someonelse's input on. I think that is a very, very good thing. It shows I'm learning to stand on my own two feet and make decisions for myself. As summer goes forward I'm anticipating all the challenges and opportunities that will head my way. I just hope life keeps me on my toes and surprises me every once in a while.

Live and Let Die

Alright, alright. So I was doing my usual nightly routine and started to think about what I wanted to post in here tonight and I couldn't make up my mind on what I should do. I figured a little scatter-brained blogging never hurt anyone, so here goes...

I'm over-analytical. There you have it. Clear as day, simple in black and white lettering. I analyze everything. It's a little ridiculous how much I think about things every day. I wish sometimes that my mind would just rest. Relax. I almost wish that there was a Valium pill I could take just for my mind (not my brain, that would be bad, but my mind). Just to sort of let it chill out for a couple hours, give it a vacation. I pick apart so many experiences I've had and all my thinking isn't always bad, it's just constant. I'm not sure if there is a way to stop myself from analyzing things. I am sure though that this on/off switch takes some time to develop. I heard the song, "live and let live" by Paul McCartney on the radio tonight and I couldn't help but think, "What an incredibly simple and amazing concept." What if I could just...live and let live. "But if this ever-changing world in which we live in, makes you break down and cry, say live and let die." Cool, McCartney---I'll try that. But seriously, I'm going to try that. Right now, I don't have much to lose as far as the choices I make. I mean, yes...I have an entire college education I could throw away if I screw up bad enough, or a family to royally piss off if I get pregnant or something. But generally, I could make a fast and loose decision and it wouldn't effect anyone but myself. So why not? I used to do those types of things all the damn time and it usually ended up biting me in the ass. But I was living for myself, and that was awesome. I envy that about who I used to be. I guess what I'm trying to say is, there's nothing wrong with regressing into an alternate version of yourself for awhile as long as it's a good thing.

Apart from being overly analytical, as I so clearly demonstrated in the above paragraph, I'm terrified of routine. Tomorrow I start my first official work week back at the restaurant and I'm dreading it. Not because I don't particularly enjoy my job, I do (most of the time). But because that means long hours, little free time, and a world consumed by beer. It's the same thing: get up, eat, go to work, come home, shower, eat, sleep, repeat. By the end of last summer I was crawling out of my skin from the mundane schedule I'd fallen into. It's no so bad, I guess. I should be grateful I have a job and I can make money. It's just frustrating to think that I have play by someone else rules starting tomorrow. We'll see how it goes. Until then, I'm going to keep my chin up and keep on keepin' on.

Chew On This

I heard two really interesting things today, and both of them came totally out of no where but it leaves you with an incomplete feeling, knowing you can't totally dissect and digest them as you would like. So:

"You might not ever be right for someone...and they might never be right for you. But they might be less wrong than someone else." ...Think about that for a minute. It's true. You might never find someone who will be 100% right for you, but you might find someone who is less wrong than anyone else. Maybe that's more of what people need to look for: not perfection, but someone who fits. But I don't really want to talk about love and emotion. That's not what the point of this post is. The point was to make you think. Let it sink in, take that apart as you wish.

"Disappointment is anger for wimps. It's okay to get angry every once in awhile." I get disappointed a lot. Too much. But I don't like being angry, so where does that leave me? I suppose when you get angry, you might as well get good and angry. Maybe disappointment, if left alone too long, morphs into anger. Who knows. Honestly, I just wanted to share these two things. They can't be picked apart really. But until my next post, chew on those thoughts. But leave a little flavor for the next one.

In Progress

I'm going to attempt to write in here about every day, or every other day if possible but that's pre-working Kelsey, so we'll see how it goes. And I can't guarantee I'll have anything good to say either. Not every day can have a philosophical insight, although I'm sure there are many 80 something year old people that would disagree with me. With that said, don't expect anything profound...

However, (there's always a "however" in life, isn't there?)...however, today I realized I'm pretty hard on myself with the things I want to accomplish. I expect a lot from myself as an individual and if I don't achieve it, I pretty much just give up and act like I never really cared much in the first place. And I'm incredibly picky about what I choose to be convicted in. I guess it all depends on my mood really. Either I'm motivated and reluctantly critical, or I'm lackadaisical and painfully cavalier. That was a lot of adverbs and adjectives. Anyway, I just want to try to be more clear in thought and the choices I make in general. And if I want to be that way, it'll take some conviction, but also knowing when enough is enough. By "in general" I mean mostly love-related. I just need to clear up the heart and kind of re-group. Wipe the slate kind of clean, or as much as you can, and remind myself that if you don't like the way things are going...change your attitude.

Attitude change: in progress.

Kick off

"Don't change who you are, just because you have the opportunity to."

That's my summer mantra. Another year has come and gone and I can't believe it. I have so much to look forward to this summer and I'm more than ready to sit back, relax, and let it roll. Last year, I was so dedicated to find an inner peace and was desperate for a sense of change...which never really came. Well, if there is one thing I learned this past school year is change happens when you least expect it to. That's so horribly cliche I can't even stand it, but it's actually kind of true. Change sometimes comes gradually, sometimes really suddenly, sometimes you notice it right away, and other times you don't realize how much has changed until you stop and look at the past. If there is one thing I love about the summer is the possibility it holds. I have a tendency to become reclusive at home, but eventually I slowly immerse myself in all the glorious wonder of home and revel in it. This isn't the time to be worrying about what can happen, but instead seriously loving every moment of what IS happening. Breathing in the moments...and kicking their ass!